I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
