I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
