he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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