I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
