Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
