I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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