I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
