I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
