Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
