I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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