I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
