She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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