She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
