I was born with a shot glass in my hand
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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