god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
