Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
