Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He? As in you personified your dick?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
