he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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