Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
They took my balls.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
