The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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