Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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