I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
