I'd wear matching sweaters with you
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
