why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
