I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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