I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
