I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Welp...herpes.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
