I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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