He asked to "fluff my boner.."
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
