Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
