He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
