You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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