so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
