Define "chronic" masturbator.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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