I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
