I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
