i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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