I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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