There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
