Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
