mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
