yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
