just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
