I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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