I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
how does that bad decision feel?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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