Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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