Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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