I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
