My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
only you would photoshop your dick
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
