i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I wear drunk well.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
