I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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