I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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