I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
