I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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